Jiggly :)

May 29, 2022. Remember to call her. 

Today is a gloomy day. I’m looking outside and i see not even a spec of sunlight. It’s pretty much how I feel right now. I don’t even know why I’m writing this post right now. Is it because I want attention? is it because I don’t have anyone to talk to right now? or is it because this is the only place for me to let out what i feel…?

Yesterday, May 23th 2012, was the day i learned how to let go. The day i learned that nothing is more important than myself, the day i learned that nothing is permanent, the day i learned how to truly love someone. On this day I made a promise that ten years from now I would call her and ask her to dinner. After that i feel really light as if a big rock had been lifted off my chest. I went home a happy guy, a guy understanding what’s best for him and for the one he loves. 

The moment i set foot into my house, however, everything changed. My mom asked me “Why aren’t you going to apply for medical school this year? Why aren’t you doing all these stuff that everybody else is doing?” I couldn’t answer a thing. That feeling of letting those who care for you down is unbearable. Deep down inside of me I cry for help knowing that know one would reply, yet I still did it anyways. 

You don’t think that I KNOW that no one is going to help you but yourself? You think that I’m immature, you think that i haven’t suffer enough. Well, I DO. I do know that no one is there for me except myself, I do know that nothing will be given to me for free. I can’t say that I’ve suffered as much pain as you, but I too, went through a lot. Growing up with everything handed to me on a silver platter, I thought everything was perfect. Then one day my dad told me “I’ve lost all my money, im in debt and have to file bankruptcy.” I fell from the top of the world to the bottom of the ocean. That feeling of having so much pressure on top of me was indescibable. All those who were my friends turned on me, I literally had no one. 

I then soon realized that I’m the only one that can help my family get through this. I focus more on school hoping that someday I could be somebody. Yet things never go as I wish. I only did well one quarter and after that, my grandma fell sick. My mom was our only source of income and I had to be the one to watch out for my grandma. Having to take all my classes at 8 in the morning and going home as soon as I can to take care of her. I couldn’t do anything else. I know this is not an excuse for me not to do any research or volunteer, but I don’t think there are a lot of people out there that can understand this feeling. It lasted for two years until she was moved to a nursing home due to a stroke. 

Each person have their story, their own judgement, and their own view of how life should be. I know I can’t make anyone see things from my perspective. What I want to say is that it is human nature to cry for help even if you know for sure no one is going to help you but yourself. Each person has their own way of dealing with things. Some seek others for help, some seek help from within them. Nothing should be viewed as right or wrong. Maybe something you think is wrong is the only way for other people. I don’t expect anyone to babysit me or to take care of me. I learned that lesson a long time ago. But crying out for help doesn’t mean that you expect people to babysit you. 

I could go on and on but I think you see the point. I know you might not agree with me and think I’m still a baby that just want to seek attention. That’s a fact that i cannot deny, I am human and we all wants attention. Especially from those we love. I will probably delete this post after i post it but it is a way for me to let it out. 

Good Day!

So these two girls walked into my class to tell us about their econ club… they said ” if you want to succeed in life, come check us out…” in my head i was like “condescending bitches.” Did not post this on fb because im fb friend with one of them. hahahaha